My Ego is Suffering from a Bout of Schizophrenia
So I'm being mentally battered from three sides and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. This is going to be a ranting/complaining blog, so anyone who doesn't want to be effected by the forthcoming negativity, please discontinue reading now. And no, I don't always complain, one of my friends just told me I was too happy to be very interesting. I'm still interesting, just not very interesting. So here goes.Work: I'm mildly perturbed by my boss' brusque manner and can't quite tell if he thinks that I'm doing a good job, therefore I assume that I'm performing poorly, therefore I do perform poorly because that's what I expect of myself. I did hear, however, through the grapevine, that after I left on my first day one of my three bosses said that I was smarter than any of them...but there have been a lot of days since then and I'm on temp-to-hire basis right now so I'm continually thinking that I'm going to monumentally screw things up, get fired, and go back to the abhorrent job hunt in no time at all.
Relationship with Anonymous Person: Here's the part that I don't want to complain about, but must for sanity's sake. No, I'm not talking about my husband, and I'm not talking about any of you, and yes, I realize the hypocrisy of what I'm going to say before I say it. There is someone whose good opinion of me is utterly important to my state of mental wellness, therefore I need his/her respect. However, this person, whenever he/she is around me, speaks very ill of others behind their backs. Thus, I am constantly aware that as soon as he/she leaves my presence, a comment issues forth from his/her mouth deriding my cooking, haircut, choice of outfit, virtually unnoticable blemish hidden behind my ear, but at which I have unconciously picked. Do you see where I'm going with this? Normally I would just avoid a person like this who constantly undermines me with sniping little comments to my face (in a cutesy-teasing tone of voice so you know he/she is only kidding (not)), puts me on guilt trips over stupid things, and complains about everybody who doesn't meet his/her extremely high standards of perfection while constantly turning a blind eye to his/her own imperfections?
This person has virtually alienated every other important person in his/her life, and I am refusing to be one of those. I've had some success in conflict resolution with this person in the past, but you can't ever tell this person that he/she need to apologize/clean up his/her act/treat people better and they might like him/her more and he/she might have more friends. Most of all, you can never tell this person that he/she was wrong. This is perhaps the most frustrating. At times, I would really love to tear into this person and tell him/her to quit his/her people-alienating ways before he/she drives away everyone and becomes a bitter old codger/hag.
I'm running out of cheeks to turn and this mental battery persists with me throughout my day. Sometimes I wish I was like the kid I went to University with who got in a bike accident and the think-before-you-speak part of his brain didn't work. Granted, he grated on everyone's nerves, but at least he had an excuse.
So here's my dilemma. How do you deal with people who are saccherine sweet on the surface but filled with bubbling vitriol instead of blood? Ok ok, maybe that's a little harsh, but I had to say it just for poetic reasons.
Glacier Symphony: I know, this is supposed to be a relaxing diversion from the cares of my everyday life, but I forgot the reason why I quit the last Symphony Orchestra I was in. Enter the giant Ego. I admit, I have one too. I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't make it, then I was ecstatic when I did make it. Then I got the music and was crushed. I'm only a second violin, and this music is harder than anything I ever played as a first violin, and even as a soloist! So last night at our first rehearsal (one of only two before our fundraiser concert for the stinking rich) I screwed it up royally. The majority of the other violins were not that friendly, and I was terrible! Even worse than the lady who's missing the end of her third finger on her fingering hand! As a parting shot, the conductor (big egomaniac, what a shock) said there would be changes in the 2nd violins, which I'm assuming means that I will be place in the very back so that my caterwauling can be drowned out by the percussion section. I guess I'll find out tonight what will happen there.
Sometimes I wish I was like the Unsinkable Molly Brown (which I watched in order to cheer myself up after the harrowing orchestra experience last night). I wish I was a scrapper sometimes, that I wouldn't take bull-sugar from anyone. But then I think of what kind of person I would be then, and I dont' think I'd like that person either. I have this image in my head of the woman I want to become, and she's not quite congealed. There are many traits I wish I had, but they conflict with one another. What's a poor girl to do? Perhaps I should feign a case of Multiple Personality Disorder and be whomever I want to be whenever I want to be that person. That way I can be everyone I admire and have an excuse for the radical changes in character...
posted by Lindsey @ 11:55 AM
3 Comments:
Difficult people: It took me to the point of having no one but my mother to turn to to realize that my interactions with people being positive or negative was in MY control. I forget that often. I don't know if grownups get to the point of crying and snuggling with their mommies, though. Maybe if you find a way to unconditionally love this person, you can be that person for them someday.
Music: I was SCARED TO DEATH the first time I had to solo (both vocally and instrumentally), as well as when I made the varsity choir in college. Things get tougher, but you made it in the first place. You'll be comfortable soon, I believe in you Peter!
I wonder what would happen if we all actually got the guts to say exactly what was on our minds without fear - wouldn't it be awesome if we could even do that without any angry feelings attached? Why do we not get offended by a 5 yr old's observation of "you've got a mustache!" Or a 3 yr old's realizing "Oh! You're the wicked step-sister!" It's because they have no guile - they are only stating their observations and they have no intent to offend and make you feel bad - so you can't take it wrong! *sigh* I happen to love imperfect people because of their imperfections because then I know I'm okay as I am. We worry to much about what other people think about us and worry about offending others. People can find anything to be offended by if they're looking for it, so why let that interfere with who we're trying to be? I try to look at people who are offensive as the one's who have a problem, and I often makes excuses for them in order for me to make peace with the aggravation I'm feeling. If I can figure out a reason for them being a jerk, then I can deal with it. I believe most people are not purposefully evil - even though I believe some are really screwed up. So - whatever my longwinded point is - just know this... I admire how you use that silly cute head of yours. Go ahead and try to figure out a point from all of my "spouting" off and just learn to love the stage of life that you're in right now. You only get it for a short period of time.
'Nuff said.
Dr Sas
and... if you can avoid being around them do. I just grit my teeth, smile, and say all sorts of things in my head when I have to be around such unpleasant people.
On the other hand, I often find myself inadvertently on the offensive side having said something someone takes offense at... and never realizing it. I just apologize the minute I find out and try not to do it again. Sigh.
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